Tuesday, January 28, 2014

My journey with God through miscarriage

This is a hard post to write.  But I have felt God speaking directly to me and telling me to share my story.  It's a story most women don't tell, but somehow, that makes this all the more necessary.  I don't like to talk about it sometimes, because it is still fresh and difficult to handle.  But I know that my life is meant to glorify the Lord, and this is just another part of my story that points to His goodness and love. 

We found out we were pregnant at the beginning of December at 4 weeks, due around the beginning of August.  We were excited and ready for another one.  We couldn't get in to see the doctor until about 10 weeks, but we had tests and blood work done and every thing seemed great.  Without a sonogram picture, we decided to take some family pictures so we could share with our immediate families on Christmas morning, when I would be 8 weeks.  They were extremely excited for us and it was such a great surprise.

Telling my parents we were expecting on Christmas Day
We saw the doctor at the beginning of January and she explained that while I was pregnant, it was possibly not a viable pregnancy.  She said we could give it a week and see if anything progressed.  The moment she said that, I went into complete shock.  I hadn't had many friends who had miscarried and I honestly didn't believe it could happen to me.  But even though she said there was hope, I truly believed that God was telling me that it wasn't to be.  That week of waiting was probably the absolute worst week I have waited through.  I prayed.  I cried.  I begged.  I sat numb and didn't move.  I had to find ways to be a mom to my sweet child who didn't understand why I didn't feel like playing.  At 11 weeks, it was confirmed that it was not a viable pregnancy and nothing I could do.  Time wouldn't help.  I miscarried that night and it was most likely the worst night of my life.  The week had prepared me for it, but I still didn't want it to be true.  I wanted that baby so badly.

Our first picture as a family of 4.  Given to the grandparents as a surprise Christmas gift.  
It's been 3 weeks, and even though life has moved on and I am somewhat better, I still ache for the baby I thought we would have.  I mourned the life of a baby that would make us a family of 4.  I mourned the excitement of being pregnant again.  I mourned Harper being the best big sister ever.  Many may not understand this need to grieve, but it was real and extremely necessary.  And I know many have expected that I would just move on and get over it.  However, even 3 weeks down the road, I am just now medically at the end of my miscarriage.  It has been a horrible ordeal that has lasted 3 full weeks.  A miscarriage is painful, both emotionally and physically.  It is much like hours of labor, but there is no happy ending. And although I am grateful that it is done with, but I am still saddened that it's real, that I'm not pregnant, and that we won't have a baby to hold in 9 months.  

As I have talked with friends who have supported me during this time, I have learned a lot about miscarriages.  They are more common than I thought.  I honestly was completely shell shocked that it happened to us.  I would have never imagined it would really happen.  But it happens in about 1 out of 3 pregnancies, and that to me is a lot.  But we don't talk about it.  We don't want to discuss one of the most heartbreaking things that can happen to us as women.  We want to ignore it and hope it just goes away and we hope we won't be heartbroken about our lost baby forever.  But it is sad.  One of the saddest things I have ever experienced.  But it does get better.  And talking to other women who have been through it was one of the best things for me.  To know I wasn't alone.  To know that my thoughts and feelings were normal and ok.  To know that someone understood, someone loved me and my lost baby too, and someone cried just like me, was what I needed to know I would one day be ok.  

As a believer, I know that God knows exactly what is going on with me, knows exactly what my future looks like, and has a life set for me that is absolutely perfect in every way.  And as a human, I have to realize that my plan is not His plan.  And as a human, I have to come to the truth that His plan is infinitely better than mine, it is beautiful and perfect in every way, and it is not just a good plan, but the best plan for me.  I want God to know that I trust Him.  I want God to know that I have faith.  So even when my heart is broken and I long for my plans of another baby, I sit in God's presence and I am joyful.  I might be crying, I might be singing, I might be doing both.  But my joy is not circumstantial.  It rests on God's unwavering grace and goodness.  It rests on my eternity in Heaven with my Creator and Savior.  And I will tell you that even though I don't understand, even though I don't know what is next, even though I have no idea when I won't be sad anymore, God has granted me such immeasurable peace, a peace that is not of me, but can only be of Him.  Peace that I will be ok.  Peace that my future is still blessed and secure, even if I don't know what it looks like.  Peace that He is with me and will stay with me every moment of the rest of my life.  A peace that surpasses all understanding is something I had heard of, read, and wondered about.  But I have now experienced it, and it is remarkable.  A peace that is overwhelming and that I had nothing to do with.  A peace that can only be God given.  And for this peace, I am so extremely grateful.  Because I know it has allowed me to make it through this sadness.  

I started journaling at the beginning of the new year and that has been such a helpful tool.  As I have looked back through the last few weeks, I have learned many things about myself and about my amazing God.  The day before I went to the doctor for the first time, when I thought everything was ok, I prayed that God would challenge me.  That He would take me out of my comfort zone and help me to be a person that desired Him above the things of this world.  I prayed that I would find myself on my knees, fervent in prayer, constantly dependent on Him for strength and daily provision.  I was in a place where my life was great.  But because of this, although I loved God, I had no real need for Him.  In a country where we can get anything we want, we may find that we are dependent on ourselves instead of needing God to get us through our every day life.  Well, God definitely heard that prayer, because I have been on my knees more in the last three weeks than last year combined.  Sometimes I prayed he would fix my baby.  Sometimes I prayed He would just preform a miracle and give me my heart's desire.  But mostly, I found myself praying that He would strengthen me, hold me up, allow my heart to trust, allow me to let go of my plans and surrender my life.  And sometimes, I found myself praying for forgiveness, for my belief that I was owed anything, that I deserved anything other than the amazing salvation He has already given to me.  I deserve nothing and yet He gave me everything.  And through all this prayer, I have come to see that this miscarriage is most likely His way of making my life better.  I have no idea what was to be, or what might have happened, but He loves me, more than I could ever imagine, so if this is what had to be, then I have to trust that it is truly for the best.  Because God's plan is always best.  And though that is a daily promise that I have to remember and fight for, I lean on it because it gives me great hope for the future.  

Cody and Harper with me at our first doctor's appointment.
They are another reason I get up in the morning.  God has blessed me with these two.
One last thought, for women out there.  God created us to be a community, it's how we live best.  So when we are struggling, let others pray for you, comfort you, support you.  When you learn great things about the Almighty, share it with those around you.  It may be just what they needed that day.  Or it might be that they can know rely on your for support when they go through it themselves.  I believe every detail of our lives can be used for a specific purpose for His Kingdom.  And sometimes when there are no good words to say, there isn't a need for words at all.  In the midst of Job's sadness, his friends sat with him for a week in silence and that is all he needed at that time.  So thank you to all my friends who sat with me in my sadness, even when there were no words to make it better.

I pray that you don't find yourself in my shoes, but it you do, I pray that you find yourself being carried by a Savior who only wants the best for you.  


  1. I just love your faith and your words. I'm so sorry you had to go through that AJ. Praying for you!