I sat in the heaviness. And I weighed the risks of sharing our entire life, all of it, the joy and the sad, the beautiful and the ugly, with the whole crazy world. And I know. That if on the other side of that risk is the possibility that someone may see Jesus in our brokenness and know that there is grace and purpose in theirs too, then the whole crazy world is welcome. For a glimpse of a Savior who uses even us, the messy ones. “Come and listen to what He’s done for us. For you.”
We look up. We are thankful for the mess. We are thankful for the much. We are thankful for a story to share, the story of His death and His story in our lives.
That as eyes turn to us, they would see only Him. That however, whatever, wherever He would be glorified. He will.http://kissesfromkatie.blogspot.com/
I read this and realize that my journey of motherhood is about more than just raising a baby. It's about Jesus. He gave her to me for a reason. He has entrusted me with her life, her journey. And here is what I've found.
Poor baby Harper has pretty serious acid reflux and thus, is a colicky baby. We struggled for about a week of constant fussiness, 3 hour bouts of crying, and... (Sorry, had to pick up Harper. The swing didn't work. Had to rock her to sleep but now she's in her crib for, hopefully, a long nap.) Anyways, we have learned that colic is a bad word in the baby world. Thankfully, we've learned about 17 tricks that will soothe her at any given time. The real power is when you find the right combination of those 17 things and can get her to sleep when she isn't feeling good. But with these tricks and some medications (Colic Calm - we love you!), she has definitely gotten better. We went from 3 hours of crying each night to 1 hour a night. It does seem to be letting up, and for that we are thankful. The worst part is seeing her in pain and knowing that there really isn't anything you can do about it. There isn't really any way to truly make her feel better other than waiting it out. What a helpless feeling!
The difference between day and night is what I find astounding. It seems that crying in the daylight is so much easier to handle than her crying in the middle of the night. Most nights, while I'm rocking her to sleep, I find myself praying. Begging might be a better word. I ask God for strength, peace, patience, and for a quieter baby. I will admit, I have even tried bargaining with God. One night of sleep is what's on the table right now. I'm not even asking for much! But I know that God isn't always about snapping fingers and making our lives easier. He has a plan, a purpose, a path. This has also shown me what life is truly like with light vs. dark. Everything seems more hopeless, more difficult, more miserable in the dark. We don't have a light to guide us. When we are far from Christ, life doesn't seem to have much joy. But when we turn to the Light, when we seek Christ and His Glory, our world changes. Suddenly, there is hope. Joy. Peace. A reason. Jesus is the only One who can make our misery better. We can try to fill it, erase it, or put it to sleep, but it's there. There's never light in the dark. But thankfully, there's also no dark in the light. With Christ, we have an eternal hope and joy that overcomes all things. We have a Light in a darkened world.
Through loving Harper, I have also learned that God is going to teach me patience if it's the last thing He accomplishes in me. I find myself trying to reason with my baby. Trying to teach her cause and effect. "When you spit out your paci - you start crying. When you keep it in - you are much happier." It hasn't worked yet. But even at Harper's worst, she is still my child. My baby. Someone who is utterly dependent on me. Someone who needs me to love her, unconditionally, while she is in pain and confused about what is going on in the world. I used to be in that spot. I used to be confused in this world until Christ came and loved me unconditionally. That's what we have in our Savior. Someone who knows all our baggage, but loves us anyways. He waited patiently for me, and thus I wait patiently for my daughter. Because my number one purpose, my reason for being a mother, is to point my daughter toward the Light. To show her Christ's unconditional love. To show her how to worship the King. The show her that one day, I will fail her, but Christ never will. And that is worth learning patience for.
So at 1 month of being a mom, I have a long way to go, but I have a path, a LIGHT, to follow.
The LORD is my light and my salvation— whom shall I fear? The LORD is the stronghold of my life— of whom shall I be afraid?
"You are the light of the world. A city on a hill cannot be hidden. Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house. In the same way, let your light shine before men, that they may see your good deeds and praise your Father in heaven.
When Jesus spoke again to the people, he said, "I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will never walk in darkness, but will have the light of life."