A little bit of crying...

My dearest Harper,

I know that you don't understand what today is about.  I know that you think I am not here and that I don't love you.  But I am here.  And I love you more than ever.  But child, we have both got to get more sleep!

Today, you woke up happy as usually.  Smiling, laughing, and so excited to see me.  What a beautiful face to wake up to!  We played and sang songs.  Then, when it was time for your nap, I let you cry.  Don't worry - I was crying with you.  It took 1 1/2 hours but you eventually fell asleep.  We did this three times today and each time I thought it would get easier.  I thought you might cry less.  But it did not.  And seeing you cry without the ability to make you feel better will never get easier.

So tonight, I am not going to rock you to sleep.  I'm not going to be able to stare at your beautiful blue eyes while I see you drift off to sleep.  I am not going to be sleeping with you on my chest in the rocker at 4am.  But I promise this is for your best interest.  I want you to be able to sleep, and sleep well.  My love for you and for your well being, as well as mommy's sanity, has gotten us to this point.

Tonight, we'll feed you your bottle and give you your bath.  Then we'll sit together and read a book with cute pictures and tons of colors for you to look at.  And then I'll sing you a song.  Most likely it will be just half of a song a few times over because I can't remember all the words.  And then I will kiss you all over your precious face and place in you in your crib.  I know you will cry.  You won't understand why I am leaving you.  And it will break my heart all over again.

But when I step outside your door, I will be praying for you.  I will pray that in times when I am not there for you, you'll feel comforted by The Comforter.  That Jesus will speak to your heart and let you know that He is your friend, your Peace, your Love.  And that you will be ok.  You will always be ok when you have Jesus.  Even when I'm not around.

Sweet girl, this is my lifetime prayer for you.  It starts tonight as a prayer for you to get good sleep and grow healthy and big.  It will continue as you go to kindergarten on the first day, turn 16 and drive off for the first time, go away to college, or get married and change your name.  In all of these circumstances, I will be crying and smiling at the same time.  Because even when it breaks my heart, it makes me smile.  And I will know deep down, that when I'm not around you will know that God is.  And you will trust in Him with all your heart because He has never and will never fail you.

I will love you forever and always.
Love, Mommy